Toxic, Codependent Teen Friendships

What is Codependency?

Codependency is an unhealthy or excessively emotional reliance or psychological dependency on another person that can be passed down from one generation to the next. Also known as “relationship addiction,” or “love addiction,” codependent people typically enter relationships that are one-sided and emotionally damaging because their friend is affected with a stressful situation, and they want to “rescue” them from it.

Codependent people typically develop relationships that are one-sided and emotionally damaging to the parties involved. Their focus on others, is an attempt to help alleviate the pain they may be feeling. However, by ignoring their own problems, it only exacerbates their personal issues, resulting in a circular system that eventually takes on a life of its own. The codependent’s thinking becomes obsessive, resulting in compulsive behavior that often leads to unfortunate consequences.

Signs of Codependency

Although people may not recognize some of the signs listed below, they may be an indicator that they are codependent:

·         Having trouble expressing feelings and emotions

·         Wanting to be liked by everyone

·         Being unable to set clear boundaries

·         Tending to ignore or deny problems

·         Feeling responsible for other people’s feelings

·         Being withdrawn and depressed

·         Having low self-esteem and self-worth

·         Suppressing thoughts and feelings out of fear or guilt

·         Needing to control and fix others

·         Setting aside your own interests to do what others want

·         Being too loyal

·         Having poor communication skills

·         Refusing to seek help because you feel like the problem isn’t bad enough

If the codependent individual can’t recognize these signs, or simply chooses to ignore them, they are only allowing the other person to continue with their self-destructive behavior, manipulate their friend, and cause further damage for both.

Signs you are in a codependent relationship:

The Codependent takes “responsibility” for the Other Person: Individuals struggling with codependency feel a need to be responsible for the thoughts, decisions, and needs of others, in addition to being responsible for their own life. They may try to solve the other persons problems by controlling or manipulating them. They will offer advice that was not asked for.  The codependent may feel that initially, their efforts are welcomed, but in fact, they are driven by the codependent’s desire to feel needed. Too often they serve others without considering their own needs and desires. This mindset can lead to resentment and anger which can trigger other mental health issues including depression, anxiety, sex/relationship addictions, substance abuse, and physical health problems.

Not Realizing They are Putting Someone Else’s Feelings Above Their Own.  Many codependents lack self-esteem, self-worth, and confidence. Having little sense of self, they focus on how their partner feels, what they think, and what they believe in order to make a connection, instead of focusing on their own feelings and belief system. This results in the codependent becoming totally absorbed by the other person. In the process, they lose themselves. In becoming totally reliant on how their partner feels about them, they basically submit to them. This can lead to overwhelming feelings of worthlessness and may push the codependent to make more unhealthy life choices in order to prove their loyalty and worth to the person. Codependents often become obsessed with their partner. This can cause the individual to deny or rationalize problem behavior, doubt their own perceptions, fail to maintain healthy boundaries, and disregard their own friends, jobs, studies, and other activities.

Going to Extremes to Maintain the Relationship Codependent relationships are never healthy. Unfortunately, neither partner involved is in a position to realize that. In many cases, the relationship is based on fear. The fear of being alone, the fear of being rejected, the fear of being abandoned. This desire for acceptance and approval leads to desperate attempts to please the partner. Often, the codependent resents the person for being in the condition they are in, but fears that their getting well could mean either losing them or losing their status as the addict’s caregiver. Codependents are usually guilty of enabling to order to help their partner and their relationship.

Difficulties in Recognizing and Expressing Emotions.  There is a major disconnect between who the codependent is and who they perceive themselves to be. They are so obsessed with the other person.  Often, they are incapable of thinking on their own, navigating their own feelings, or tending to their own needs. Other times, they know what needs to be done, but simply can’t own up to their own truths. The codependent is afraid to be truthful because they don’t want to upset the person they are trying to please. Communication becomes more dishonest and confusing as the codependent tries to manipulate their partner out of fear. Another problem codependent people have is a tendency to spend their time obsessing about other people and relationships. Anxiety and dependency are usually the cause. They also can become more obsessed when they think they’ve made a mistake. By constantly focusing on the needs of others instead of their own, they won’t reach out for help and can’t become self-sufficient. This leads to yet another circle of denial that continues to play over and over.

Inability to Set and Maintain Healthy Personal Boundaries.  Codependency is often a learned behavior. It can be the result of growing up in a home where parents/loved ones required attention and caregiving. Boundaries are vitally important when you are in a relationship.  Boundaries not only provide a division between what is yours and someone else’s, but they are also needed to protect feelings, thoughts, and needs. This is where the codependent gets into trouble. Sometimes their boundaries are weak. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings or problems and blame their own on others. Others have rigid boundaries. But this type of boundary forces them to shut down and withdraw, making it difficult to allow others to get close to them. In either case, the inability to set healthy boundaries will inevitably lead to additional relationship problems and emotional setbacks.

Recovery from codependence begins by coming out of denial. In a codependency recovery program, you learn to shift focus from the other person to yourself. It’s important to realize that like recovering from any other addiction like drugs or alcohol, it is not a simple process. It takes time, as the individual has to build their own identity and self-esteem. They must learn to express their feelings and needs in a healthy way. Finally, they must learn the importance of maintaining self-responsibility, setting healthy boundaries, and taking care of themselves.

Codependency will not disappear simply by leaving a codependent relationship. Like any recovery, it is a long term process that requires changes in thinking and behavior. Codependent people can’t worry about being “perfect,” which is part of their problem. There is never a perfect recovery, but as long as healthy habits are learned, you can have a successful recovery.