Teen Relationship Challenges: How to Develop Greater Relational Skills
The single most important factor towards optimal mental health is the quality of our relationships. When your child was younger, there were so many hands on experiences where you were helping them learn how to “play well”. As your child has become a teen, they are trying to figure out how relationships work.
More than book smarts, they need to develop “relational intelligence” in order to be successful in this world.
What does relationship intelligence mean? The ability to successfully connect with a broad range of types of people, and build lasting relationships. It is the ability to understand your own emotions and the emotions of others. Once they can understand relationships, they can have strong conversations around their needs and wants in relationships.
Here are 10 components for building the muscle of relational intelligence:
1. Developing Self-Awareness: Helping your teen learn an internal road map for their own emotions, can help them know themselves really well. We want them able to know what it looks like when they get stressed, sad, nervous. What do they need in those moments? What is helpful and what is not? Are they the type of person that values security in their friendships, or do they value more freedom and alone time? Before entering into a relationship, do they inherently feel they are good enough, interesting, loveable, and belong? Teach them that it is nice if people like them, but not necessary. Their approval comes from within. The stories they come to interactions with, will shape how people perceive them. The more they know about themselves, the more they can communicate to those around them, their needs and wants.
2. Developing Empathy: It is important as you go from parenting a child to parenting a teen, that you help them consider YOUR needs. If you have been waiting to pick them up at 11pm and are tired, it is important they know they are impacting you. They might not be empathic, but this is how we help them build the muscle of empathy. Part of their success in relationships is the ability to consider the circumstances of others and try to “walk in their shoes.” We want them to try to not make assumptions about what they think others are going through, but to check it out with them. We also want them to develop empathy for themselves. As they approach relationships- do they know how to give to others AND also ask to be given to. Are they aware it is ok to have limitations in relationships?
3. Establishing Boundaries: Part of caring for people well, is knowing how to not overcare take. Teaching your teen to care for people with limits is very healthy. Not everything that happens in a relationship is their responsibility. Someone else’s mood is not their responsibility to fix. Teach them to have some distance from people, and allow people in their lives to find ways towards resetting on their own. If they fall into the pit of trying to help other people too much, help them see they need to bring the focus back to themselves. They need to know that not everything becomes a part of them. Part of seeing where they stop and the other person begins, is allowing the other person to find their way back to their own health and wellness.
4. Understanding Power Dynamics: Power comes from the fact that people need each other, rely on each other, have expectations of each other, and depend on each other. When power is misused in a relationship it can feel oppressive, dominant and exploitative. An example of power misused is exclusion, or purposefully not following through on some ones request. When their is a balance of power in a relationship, things feel fluid and both people feel they can step into their highest self. In a heathy relationship people try to give power to each other. Power to is generative, inviting, active and collaborative. It calms our nervous system and allows us to feel cared for. By giving power to people in our lives, we want to see them be their best self, and we truly want to see them happy. We aren’t intimidated by their strength and assertiveness. We know when to step aside and when we can step forward. Continuing to re-evaluate this in relationships is a necessary component to the health of the relationship.
5. Identifying and Breaking Roles in Relationships: In order to be successful in relationships, your teen needs to get used to wearing multiple hats and allowing others to where multiple hats. When their is fluidity between roles- your teen can shift from leader to follower, from quiet one to loud one. Teach your teen that they can’t stay fixed in who they are in the relationship, and also can’t put fixed labels on who they think others should be. They must allow for freedom and autonomy for people to grow and change, just as they are growing and changing. Part of understanding roles, is sometimes we get placed into roles in relationships that we didn’t even audition for. Allow your teen to drop the roles that are no longer serving to their highest self.
6. Learning Ways to Approach Difficult Conversations: I’m sure you would agree, this is probably one of the most important skills in relationships. This can be done really well, where it leaves people feeling heard and respected, or it can be done very poorly, where people feel disempowered and discouraged. Teach your teen that they need to stay teachable, flexible and curious in a difficult conversation. Help them learn how to strike the perfect balance of holding to what they believe in, as well as, hearing the other persons point of view. This can be so difficult, yet so rewarding when done well. Help them understand what stands in the way of them approaching difficult conversations.
7. Learning Ways to Understand and Resolve Conflict: Some people are conflict avoidant, and others are prone to too much conflict. Neither extreme is good. Its important as they grow and develop that they notice how they react to conflict. Do they become more irritable, aggressive and move towards it? Do they go into anxiety and panic, avoid and worry? Do they space out, feel stuck and stall? Or do they sacrifice themselves to try to appease others, try make it all better too soon and sacrifice their needs? Their ability to stay regulated in conflict and continue to reflect on their own blind spots, will help them become the best version of themselves. Teach them to attract people who have a growth versus fixed mindset, and are also always trying to become the best version of themselves.
8. Learning Effective Listening (Verses Hearing) for Better Communication: There is a big difference between hearing someone, and listening to someone. Listening is a very active, engaging process. Help your teen learn that really listening means we are using our imagination to reflect to others, what we think they are experiencing. Teach them that they can correct others, if they aren’t describing what they are experiencing correctly. An example of a reflection question is, “What I hear you saying was it was a really long day? Did I get that right?” Sometimes we aren’t sure from a story what someone is trying to tell us. Stories can go on forever! We think they are trying to share one thing, and they are actually trying to share another. Many teens are needing to learn how to build on a conversation and draw someone out further. Help them learn this skill to keep a conversation going.
9. Identifying Miscommunication: Anything we say to someone goes through their own expectations of the world, assumptions, interpretations, filter, distortions. Even if it was our intention, it can come off differently. So many distortions of a message can take place. What’s important when miscommunication comes up, is that we can stay curious and flexible with one another.
10. Establishing Trust: Without risk in life their can be no reward. Teaching your teen pacing in relationships is key. It can be really scary to open our hearts to people. They have the capacity to be hurtful, or their have the capacity to be caring and allow us to reach our highest self. Help your teen learn micro risks, to cultivate trust. In order to trust someone, we need to know they are reliable and show up. Trust is built through actions not words. To feel safe, we need to know someone will not leave us, make fun of us, or disrespect us.
Good relationships are vibrant, energetic, creative, playful and imaginative. They make us better people.
Bad relationships leave us feeling desperate, dead, lacking energy, lack purpose, grasping and zap our energy.
Help your teen look for attractions of inspiration, versus attractions of deprivation. Ask your teen to reflect how they feel in peoples company.
Is this relationship leading them to their highest self?
What are the hardest things to understand or practice in relationships? Grab a cup of tea and take out a journal. Continuing to reflect on this question, could make the difference in a lifetime of health and happiness in your relationships, or a life of frustration and discouragement.
If you need help in doing so, I’d love to speak with you. Feel free to reach out to me. I can be reached at hello@brittanyfella.com. I live for these type of conversations and would love to be of support!
