Living with an angry teen? Here is what to remember.
The emotions of a teen can be far from predictable. As adults we have plenty of life experience to know what anger, sadness, joy, love, defeat and anxiety feel like. We’ve been there before. When we revisit a familiar emotion, we can put a context to it, and have what is called a “reflective capacity”. We can both feel the feeling, and observe the feeling. A reflective capacity allows us space between response and reaction.
With teens, its all just unfiltered feelings. And you want to know why? Because they don’t have the life experience to say, “I’ve been here before. This is what rejection feels like. This is what anger feels like.” Their brain is still developing the cortexes that involve higher level thinking, and the capacity to reflect. This is proven through brain science.
Here is where we come in. This is extremely exciting, to help a teen develop the internal capacity to reflect. But we have to be realistic in how challenging this is for everyone involved. It involves a great deal of “re-dos” and teachable moments.
So say your teen comes to you and blurts something out in an angry tone. I completely get it. They could have said exactly what they said to you in different way, and you would have been able to hear them. Because of their tone and delivery, you’ve completely shut down. That makes sense. You are, in this moment, seeing the skills of a 13 year old, remember this. Not a 50 year old. I repeat, you are seeing the skill set of a 13 year old. Your needs matter and being talked to in an angry way is not teaching them how healthy relationships work. The same way you taught a 5 year old certain lessons, this is now the lessons a 13 year old needs to learn. Somehow one is definitely more activating for us all than the other.
They need help reconstructing what they are trying to say. They are not adults, and in order to teach them to deliver things in a more refined and tactful way, it has to be taught. And taught over and over again.
Give them an example of how what they said, could have been said differently. They might get frustrated because they feel like a puppet, but this is their learning curve. Keep your mood and tone light. Use humor by asking for a “take 2”. Don’t belabor and make them do a thousand re-dos.
Always praise their attempt to try out a new way of approaching you. Thank them and let you know you appreciate that they tried again. But also, don’t let them off the hook. Everything you are modeling to them is what healthy relationships look and feel like. It is ok to remove yourself, and let them know you are there for them when they can come to you in a different way.
We have many things to learn as adults from adolescents. Their impulsivity in expressing themselves is unfiltered. As we get older, we tend to become more filtered and protective of taking risks. Let’s celebrate their spontaneity, but lets teach them how to pause, and be more tactful and effective in their delivery.
I hope this gives you some new perspective on what’s really happening in the development of your angry teen. You have your work cut out for you. But you don’t have to do it alone. I’d be happy to partner with you and give you some fresh perspective on how to approach these conversations.
Watch Dan Siegel’s clip here on the adolescent brain: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLULtUPyhog
